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Posts published in October 2018

Vanguard Adviser Also Passively Managing Own Life

MALVERN, PA – Mid-level fund adviser Donald Burton at The Vanguard Group has extended his investment strategy of passive management into his personal life. Instead of seeking out social activities, romantic relationships, or any personal improvement, Mr. Burton has opted to focus his life targets around certain benchmarks.

For example, “in any social setting I’ll only talk to brunette women between 24 and 32 years old, under 5’7” and at least a B-cup,” he told Boredroom News, assuring that he “will talk to all who fit that criteria in the bar.”… Read more

Chipotle Unveils All-Sourcream Burrito

DENVER, CO – Citing recent reports of food safety concerns in many locations nationwide, the fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle (CMG) unveiled a new featured item on their menu, the All-Sourcream Burrito. The burrito, an 18-inch wheat or flour tortilla wrapped haphazardly around two cups of sour cream, is being touted as the tent-pole menu item as the restaurant chain attempts to win back the trust of their customers.… Read more

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