MALVERN, PA – Mid-level fund adviser Donald Burton at The Vanguard Group has extended his investment strategy of passive management into his personal life. Instead of seeking out social activities, romantic relationships, or any personal improvement, Mr. Burton has opted to focus his life targets around certain benchmarks.
For example, “in any social setting I’ll only talk to brunette women between 24 and 32 years old, under 5’7” and at least a B-cup,” he told Boredroom News, assuring that he “will talk to all who fit that criteria in the bar.”
Most nights, however, Mr. Burton can be found in his studio apartment watching Netflix, “I’ll put on what ever they recommend, really. Either that, or I’ll just wander the Philadelphia suburbs until I see a bar that says ‘Come in’.”
At the Vanguard offices, Mr. Burton is hailed as a dedicated professional. “Not only is Donald dedicated to our investment philosophy in his portfolios,” says Karen Gilner, Mr. Burton’s supervisor, “but he truly lives the Vanguard mindset; he’ll sit at his desk working for days at a time until someone tells him to go home, or at least leave for lunch.”
Mr. Burton’s brother, William, is also an investment professional who day-trades options online, was unavailable for comment as he lost interest in this conversation within the first ten minutes of the interview.