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Posts published in January 2019

Dutch East India Co. Still Betting Nutmeg Prices Will Bounce Back

BANDA ISLANDS, INDONESIA – Despite nearly four centuries of falling nutmeg prices, the Dutch East India Company (VOC) remains dedicated to the crop and is hopeful about the future. Following heavy investments in the early 17th century, including the slaughter of almost every native Bandanese, the venerable world-wide export company is increasing their efforts to regain their former monopoly of the spice.… Read more

Denim Startup UnZippd Revolutionizes Pants

NEW YORK, NY – As a dude with a sometimes uncomfortably large bulge, finding jeans that fit me is a hassle; and if I want stylish denim that won’t break the bank? forget it!

“We made our new line of jeans just for guys like you,” says Sean Oliver, founder of UnZippd, “and for everyone else whose package size precludes them from being comfortable.”… Read more

Slack Changes Logo to the Yellow Sign

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Millions of Slack users noticed a change in the popular chat application Tuesday; the familiar hashtag (or octothorpe) icon had been replaced with a strange symbol, spoken of in hushed whispers as the Yellow Sign. Social media was seemingly in an uproar over the logo’s evolution, but perhaps the method to the madness was, in fact, madness itself.… Read more

TSA Employees Resort to Loose Change from X-Ray Conveyor Amid Gov Shutdown

MIAMI, FL – As the longest U.S. government shutdown in history slogs into its fourth week with no end in sight, Transportation Security Administration officials have resorted to making up lost paychecks however they can. While some have committed to absenteeism, many more are simply confiscating passengers’ loose change from conveyor belts.

At Miami International Airport, where one concourse has already been closed due to lack of T.S.A.… Read more

Bodega Cat Promoted to CFO

127th & FREDERICK DOUGLAS BLVD – Gourmet & Deli Bodega has tapped Rocky, a gray tabby, as their Chief Financial Officer on Tuesday. Rocky, who joined the firm in 2012, will now oversee almost $45,000 of annual revenue throughout the corner shop.

Rocky was previously a mouser in the alley out back, where he was discovered in a cardboard box by Gourmet & Deli CEO Carlos Medeiros.… Read more

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