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Sexual Harassment Condoned at Uber to Temper IPO Expectations

SAN FRANCISCO – Having filed it’s S-1 with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last days of 2018, the ride-hailing service Uber is expected to launch it’s initial public offering early in 2019. Although the tech giant pulled in just under $3 billion in revenues last quarter, they face stiff competition in the market and are beginning to temper the expectations of investors.

Uber has made many drastic course-corrections in their company culture since a former engineer, Susan Fowler, posted on her blog about the rampant sexual misconduct pervasive throughout the firm known for it’s hard-charging corporate environment. Now, however, the pendulum is swinging back towards allowing male employees license to harass female colleagues with little repercussion as the public takes a closer look at the company.

“Look, we’ve got more than half the market” CEO Dara Khosrowshahi explains, “but some investors are wary of where we can expand; we’re not actually and different or better than Lyft. We don’t want to get caught not living up to expectations, so we’re sending a clear message that Uber is pretty fucked-up at the moment.” Mr. Khosrowshahi hopes that the sexual misconduct concerns that will arise will be conflated with the troubling financial outlook. Once Uber initiates, again, a pro forma spate of firing for sexual harassments, such revitalization will overshadow anything else.

“We just want to get everybody on the same page early; I mean, butt-touching has always been central to the employee experience and now we have an excuse to touch butts to manipulate investors as well. What’s more Uber than that?”

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