BANDA ISLANDS, INDONESIA – Despite nearly four centuries of falling nutmeg prices, the Dutch East India Company (VOC) remains dedicated to the crop and is hopeful about the future. Following heavy investments in the early 17th century, including the slaughter of almost every native Bandanese, the venerable world-wide export company is increasing their efforts to regain their former monopoly of the spice.
Jan van der Gooten, Chief Executive Officer, admits that missteps were made in the past, “The Brits gave us a good run for our money a few years ago,” referring to the Second Anglo-Dutch War in 1665, after which nutmeg plants were spread throughout islands in both the East, and West, Indies. “But we’ve made some re-adjustments are are fully prepared to recoup much of our losses from other, sub-optimal, investments.” In the Treaty of Breda the Dutch ceded control of the island of Manhattan, in what is now New York, USA, for the full control of the island in Rhun from the British. Although the 33 sq mi of Manhattan is now values around $1.5 trillion, the proliferation of nutmeg in Ceylon, the Caribbean, and the rest of the world has significantly reduced its wholesale price.
“Our plan is to systematically eliminate all other nutmeg production outside of the original Banda Islands; we do have a lot of axes and everything, so it just might be do-able,” assures Mr. van der Grooten. However, shareholders of the company are less than bullish, especially since the company was, in fact, nationalized by the Dutch government in 1799.
In the meantime, the rest of the Dutch economy will remain focused on mediocre prostitution, Van Gogh memorabilia, and hosting obnoxious stag parties.