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Posts published in January 2019

Your Entire Team Could Keep Their Jobs with Money Consultants Got to Fire You

YOUR OFFICE – Citing revenue numbers that failed to reach projections, consultants from Bain & Company have recommended that your team be mostly eliminated although their retained fees are far greater than the savings they propose. Your managers have agreed to follow through with the layoffs, as their bonus compensation is tied to headcount savings and the cost of the consultants will be charged to another department.… Read more

Apple Discovers that Underpaid Chinese Laborers Can’t Afford $1,000 iPhones

SHENZHEN, CHINA – As Apple (AAPL) posts disappointing revenue projections for the coming year, mainly due to slower sales in China, analysts at the company have been scrambling to pinpoint exact causes. Corporate strategists have recently uncovered that hundreds of thousands of Chinese workers who are not paid a living wage cannot afford the expensive iPhones that they themselves assemble.… Read more

Duke & Duke Collapses Under Commodities Futures

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Duke & Duke Commodity Brokers, one of the largest brokerage firms in Philadelphia, has collapsed after the first day of trading this year after the United States Department of Agriculture reported a favorable conditions for coming orange crop production. The brothers Randolph and Mortimer Duke, who have helmed the firm since its inception in 1949, have reportedly sold their seats on the Philadelphia commodities Exchange having failed to meet margin call on their frozen concentrated orange juice futures contracts.… Read more

Sexual Harassment Condoned at Uber to Temper IPO Expectations

SAN FRANCISCO – Having filed it’s S-1 with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last days of 2018, the ride-hailing service Uber is expected to launch it’s initial public offering early in 2019. Although the tech giant pulled in just under $3 billion in revenues last quarter, they face stiff competition in the market and are beginning to temper the expectations of investors.… Read more

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