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Posts published in February 2019

Tesla Board Replaces Elon Musk’s Phone with Speak & Spell

PALO ALTO, CA – Following another contentious bout between Elon Musk and the Securities Exchange Commission, the Tesla (TSLA) board voted unanimously to replace their Chief Executive’s phone with a 1979-model Speak & Spell children’s toy. The SEC has asked a federal court to hold Mr. Musk in contempt for violating procedures that had been put in place after he tweeted last October that he had secured funding to take Tesla private.… Read more

U.K. to be Set Adrift as No-Deal Brexit Looms

CALAIS, FRANCE – Citing a lack of progress in last-minute negotiations between the United Kingdom and the European Union, longshoremen have lined French beaches to cast off the British Isles when their obligation to the continent formally ends. Michel Barnier, Chief Negotiator for the European Commission, led the working party to show the EU’s resolve in discussing the arrangement with Britain; should March 29th come without a formal agreement in place, the “no-deal Brexit” would allow Mr.… Read more

IBM Rebrands Red Hat, Will Focus on Legacy Windows 98 Support

ARMONK, NY – Accelerating cloud computing was the goal when IBM acquired Red Hat(RHT) last October, and now the technology giant has announced that the former open-source darling will be provide legacy Windows 98 support to IBM clients around the world.

“The forefront of the cloud revolution is a lonely place to be,” says spokesperson Bart Rainey, “so it’s a good thing we’re not there.… Read more

Two-page Resume Only Internships, Interests

NEW YORK, NY – While sifting through a stack of applications this morning, hiring manager Danielle Carin was noticeably confused by a resume spanning two whole pages while containing only part-time internships and myriad, detailed personal interests. Ms. Carin, who is reviewing applicants for Honeywell International’s (HON) Vice President for Financial Operations, North America, found the submission utterly bizarre as typically such positions attract seasoned professional hires.… Read more

Re-animated Corpse of Robespierre Dem Frontrunner in 2020

MANCHESTER, NH – The wide race for the 2020 Democratic presidential bid expanded today, as the re-animated corpse of French revolutionary Maximilien Robespierre announced his candidacy in New Hampshire. Recent polls put Mr. Robespierre in an early lead as his platform of radical social change, and history of violent terror to enact it, draws the Democratic party even further to the left.… Read more

Trask Acquires Metro Radio for $19.5 Million

NEW YORK, NY – Trask Industries agreed to acquire the regional radio network Metro Radio Systems in a $19.5 billion bet on jump-starting its efforts to enter broadcast media as well as fight off hostile takeover from competitors.

In each of the last three quarters, Trask Industries has announced plans to acquire a major market television station, each time unsuccessfully.… Read more

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