MANCHESTER, NH – The wide race for the 2020 Democratic presidential bid expanded today, as the re-animated corpse of French revolutionary Maximilien Robespierre announced his candidacy in New Hampshire. Recent polls put Mr. Robespierre in an early lead as his platform of radical social change, and history of violent terror to enact it, draws the Democratic party even further to the left.
Although few are certain by what ghoulish means the famously beheaded lawyer has been dragged back onto this mortal plain, Mr. Robespierre’s reputation for community activism has propelled him to the front of the pack. Unlike some of his colleagues, Mr. Robespierre shied away from discussing President Trump directly, instead focusing on loftier ideals, “We must smother the internal and external enemies of the Republic or perish with it; now in this situation, the first maxim of your policy ought to be to lead the people by reason and the people’s enemies by terror.”
Attendees at the rally were swayed by the zombie Frenchman’s commitment to safeguarding equality, abolishing monarchy and religion, and administering the death penalty to those who hoard food and private property. Jonah Leland, a sheet-metal worker from Brattleboro, admired the action-oriented speech, “horrific abomination or not, I think he’s got some good ideas. Like when he said ‘By sealing our work with our blood, we may see at least the bright dawn of universal happiness’, it definitely seemed like he knew what he was talking about, especially since he was holding his own head; that’s dedication.”
Although Article Two of the US Constitution specifically requires those seeking the office of the president be a “natural born citizen,” however legal scholars note that this could be expanded to cover candidates who have been unnaturally re-born or retrieved from the icy grip of Death by other means.