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U.K. to be Set Adrift as No-Deal Brexit Looms

CALAIS, FRANCE – Citing a lack of progress in last-minute negotiations between the United Kingdom and the European Union, longshoremen have lined French beaches to cast off the British Isles when their obligation to the continent formally ends. Michel Barnier, Chief Negotiator for the European Commission, led the working party to show the EU’s resolve in discussing the arrangement with Britain; should March 29th come without a formal agreement in place, the “no-deal Brexit” would allow Mr. Barnier to release the island nation from the European continent.

Prime Minister Theresa May’s goal of retaining amicable relations, as well as physical ties, to the European Union rest now on a “backstop” to prevent custom’s checkpoints at the Irish boarder. Many believe that Mrs. May is hoping the EU will blink and relent; however, Mr. Barnier is determined to “impress upon the United Kingdom the consequences of the monumental fuckup they brought on themselves” by voting to leave the bloc with zero mind to the formidable details of the European treaty.

The opinions of those living on the island nation, still tenuously moored to the continent by giant chains, differ greatly. Some Brexiteers say that severing themselves could be positive – a mobile, floating Britain would be able to dock and establish trade without Brussels’ regulatory oversight – but many people fear chaos. Geoff Cantwell, of North Upwichshire, voted to leave and is optimistic of the consequences, “The English have always been a sea-faring people,” says Mr. Cantwell, “and a bit of drifting never hurt anyone. With any luck we’ll be away from these frogs and be having a pint in the Caribbean before Christmas.”

Out of concern for the The Republic of Ireland, a steadfast member of the EU, Brussels has provided the Emerald Isle with a very large anchor so that they may stay in place after the split.

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