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Posts published in April 2019

People Cheese Startup Acquires Maternity Wards Throughout State

LANCASTER, PA – A darling of the food technology space, DareY (pronounced “dairy”), rapidly accelerated their growth this week through the purchase of multiple maternity wards in Eastern Pennsylvania. Although the startup has not disclosed the sums paid, sources close to the project estimate that DareY has spent over $100 million in its quest to sustainably produce cheese from human milk.… Read more

Samsung Contracts Del Taco to Maximize Galaxy Foldability

LAKE FOREST, CA – After a major setback in launching the new Galaxy Fold line of phones, Samsung (SSNLF) has returned to the drawing board with aided by Del Taco’s (TACO) foremost folding technicians. The Southern California fast food chain was enlisted by the beleaguered electronics maker to optimize the foldability of the new cell phones ahead of a global launch.… Read more

Top Business School Bans Free Coffee, Cites ‘Communist Scourge’

NEW YORK CITY, NY – The world of elite education is no stranger to controversy or ideology, but one institution may have gone too far; Columbia Business School has halted all free coffee for students and faculty effective immediately in an effort to rid its halls of the ‘specter of Communism.’ Incoming class president, Ethan T.… Read more

Callahan Auto Defeats Zalinsky Takeover Attempt

SANDUSKY, OH – A shocking week for Callahan Auto Parts came to a fortunate close today as new Chief Executive Thomas Callahan III successfully defended the firm from Chicago rival, Zalinsky Industries. Earlier reports that Zalinsky would gain a controlling stake in the Ohio auto parts factory seem to be premature, as legal complications have stayed the sale of shares and Raymond Zalinsky has since publicly announced a purchase order from Callahan for 500,000 brake pads.… Read more

TurboTax, Wesley Snipes Lobby Congress for Tax Reform

SAN DIEGO, CA – Politics often make strange bedfellow, even strange spokespeople, and tax law reform is no exception; Intuit (INTU), parent of TurboTax has teamed with actor Wesley Snipes in lobbying U.S. Congress. Although the tax preparation behemoth aims to limit the government from establishing its own free filing service, the Blade Trinity star’s goal is bar all tax filing and collection entirely.… Read more

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