PITTSBURGH, PA – Early this week senior executives at Kraft Heinz (KHC) directed Director of Supply Chain Operations Robert Abraham to take his only MBA intern and sacrifice him as a radical cost-cutting measure.
Even at within the company culture of the firm, leading employees to their death upon the blood altar is considered to be an extraordinary measure. According to sources present, the intern, Isaac Skolnick of the Kelley School of Business, as well as Mr. Abraham himself appeared to apprehensive but ultimately willing to participate in the ritual to prove loyalty to management directives.
However, when both Mr. Abraham and Isaac stepped out of the elevator on the 37th floor, where the corporate blood altar is kept, a spokesperson for Chief Executive Bernardo Hees greeted the pair and called off the rite of fealty. The spokesperson produced a representative from one of Kraft Heinz’ major vinegar suppliers, bound and gagged, to be sacrificed instead.
All parties present, except for the murdered vinegar salesman, were pleasantly surprised by the strange turn of events. Mr. Abraham has been rewarded for his devotion to the condiments supplier by a promotion to Chief Operations Officer, and the firm has extended an offer for full-time offer to Isaac [as of press time, Mr. Skolnick has informed the company of his decision to return].
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Kraft Heinz denies that intern sacrifice is a frequent management tactic, but that burnt offerings of cattle and other livestock is an effective means of reducing overhead costs.