BEAVERTON, WA – Although rivals have eschewed finance professionals, the Columbia Sportswear Company is leaning into the demographic by releasing a new line of fleece vests that have been specifically designed for high performance finance. Throughout Wall Street and Silicon Valley the announcement is being hailed as the next evolution of garment-assisted finance operations.
Chief Executive Tim Boyle has said that Columbia Sportswear is only “re-affirming its commitment” to the “finance bro core audience” of hedge fund managers, bulge-bracket MBAs, and crypto-traders that has always supported the firm. “Our new flagship vest, nicknamed the ‘MD Blazer’, features components to facilitate ‘moving hella cash’,” Mr. Boyle said, “The patented design prevents any sleeve whatsoever from falling into your Sweet Green power salad and the front breast pocket molded to fit an extra set of AirPods without bulge or discomfort.”
Experts in the field are cautiously optimistic about the vest true potential. Voice-of-the-Generation blogger @midtownuniform applauds the move. “No longer will top finance operators have to make do with garments intended for wear in dew-covered Redwood forests or camping at Joshua Tree,” says the person behind the account, who wishes to remain anonymous, “but we’ll have to wait and see if the shoulder vents can withstand hundreds of hours of Power Point without chaffing; that’s the real test.”
As of press time, Patagonia officials have not responded to questions concerning the viability of selling $100 co-branded vests exclusively to hippies in Green Peace.