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Beyond Meat CEO Driven to Push Beyond All Other Corporeal Limitations As Well

EL SEGUNDO, CA – “Releasing ourselves from the burden of consuming flesh is only the beginning,” announced Ethan Brown to a rapt audience at the headquarters of Beyond Meat, the plant-based food company. “Our True selves are currently trapped by the vibrational resonance of the Third Dimension to keep us from Complete Ascension. Beyond Meat has shown that we can break our dependence on the bodies of Holstein cows, and soon break the dependence on our own ‘bodies’ as well.”

Although such claims by a chief executive may have alarmed investors only a few weeks ago, Beyond Meat’s staggering IPO success lends credence to the Mr. Browns passion. Like other Silicon Valley darlings to go public already this year, the the firm is not currently profitable, but the boost in share price has made Ethan Brown a very wealthy man. Such wealth, says Mr. Brown, has no other purpose than to “aid the collective humanity to transcend the physicality and biology of our Multidimensional Selves,” although, he insists, money itself is “no less of an illusion designed to hijack our consciousness than the concept of time and space itself.”

Both industry professionals, animal-tights activists, and meta-physical philosophers continue to pay close attention to Beyond Meat’s efforts, but so far only a few chickens and a large farm pig spared by the company have reportedly ascended to higher planes vibrational existence.

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