NEW YORK CITY – Some of Midtown’s history will be returning later this year as WeWork, the unicorn co-working startup, has chosen 5 Times Square as the flagship location of its newest venture, WeStroke. Designed as part courtesan lounge, part cubicle farm, but mostly back-alley jerk shack, WeStroke is one of many assets The We Company has promoted ahead of its anticipated IPO.
“The great thing is that we’ve managed to leverage existing clients from The Wing, our previous women-only space collective, to jumpstart business for WeStroke,” announced Adam Neumann, WeWork’s founder and CEO. “Just as we’re disrupting the food, education, and fitness industries, our model will transform the whoring business as well. WeStroke will be a fabulous space for professional women,” and men, he adds, “to sell their bodily wares to budget-conscious johns and then enjoy kombucha on tap in between fuck & sucks; It’s about bringing our unique collaborative, entrepreneurial spirit to anyone who want to turn tricks without the capital expenditure of a traditional brothel.” Many such tenants have already signed up, like Layala Amjadi, 31, a former Facebook product manager who recently made the recent career pivot to whoring. “I knew that I didn’t have the skills or resources to be a real ‘prostitute,’ but at WeStroke I can work my way up from swallowing lunchtime loads to eventually trolling Midtown hotels,” Ms. Amjadi admits, “it’s really the best fit for this economy.”
While bullish investors expect high growth from the cross pollination of hot ideas and warm fluids that WeStroke promises, some are wary that their business model is “currently illegal, degrading in many forms, and rife for abuse.” Not least of these opponents is the existing tenant of 5 Times Square, the advisory firm Ernst & Young, who will be sharing much of the building with the new prostitutes and have already complained about the much longer lines for company glory holes. Nevertheless, Mr. Neumann said that Time’s Square is only the first of many planned dens of inequity, with WeStrokes opening in San Francisco’s Castro District and downtown Montreal in early 2020.
ED. Note: We have been informed at Ernst & Young has added additional glory holes to reduce congestion