WASHINGTON, D.C. – Champion of the people on and off the ice, Philadelphia Flyers’ mascot Gritty arrived at the nation’s capitol this week to appear before the House Ways and Means Committee as an advocate for Social Security and Medicare expansions. As Gritty, recently minted as a symbol for Leftist political movements, took the stand, none in the gallery knew what he would utter.
Gritty screamed incoherently for almost three straight hours.
“It was awful; the hideous screeching that emanated from that… that thing, it filled my soul with unspeakable horror.” muttered a visibly shaken Representative Brendan Boyle (D-PA), who had invited the newest favorite son of Philadelphia to speak. Although subcommittee members anticipated an emotional plea for expanding estate taxes to cover the striking shortfalls of Social Security, they were instead met with a crazed ramblings from the monster clad in an unwashed hockey jersey over his matted orange fur. “About midway though, we thought the creature’s sudden, languid silence was a welcome respite from the frenzied wails and hisses, but we were dead wrong; uncannily, the dead eyes of that monstrosity had pierced directly into our very souls, violently shaking each of us with unspeakable terrors.” Unable to call the floor to order or even speak at all, the chairman, Rep. John Larson (D-CT), allowed this grotesque spectacle to endure for the entirety of the morning, until Gritty himself abruptly ceased his rants and calmly exited the chamber.
“We may never ascertain the true nature of Gritty,” explains Daniel Metzler, a staff write for the Socialist Jacobin Magazine, “but I’m certain that his obscene, unknowable nightmare was assuredly on the side of Labor and people’s rights and dignity. It was certainly more informative than anything coming from this administration lately.”
ED. Note: The original article used incorrect pronouns to refer to Gritty; Boredroom News has been informed that Gritty is an Eldrich monstrosity that is unbound by human gender or consciousness