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Posts published in July 2019

Fed Undertakes Quantitative Pleasing Efforts to Get Everyone to Just Calm Down

WASHINGTON – With everyone from economists to small businesses watching the the Federal Reserve this week, Chairman Jerome H. Powell announced that the central bank would be enacting strong quantitative pleasing measures “to have some breathing room for a while.” After constantly raising rates since 2008, Mr. Powell has signaled that “making everyone happy” so they leave the Fed alone is the best move for the economists to take a step back and really get a good grasp on the situation.… Read more

Real Estate Startup ‘Arrears’ Transforms Foreclosed Houses into Strip Clubs

DAYTONA BEACH, FL – The 2008 housing bubble devastated few regions more than the Florida coast, but thankfully one startup has set aim for revitalizing the area. The real estate technology company Arrears is the newest way for ordinary people to local homes that have been foreclosed by banks and turn them into an adult entertainment franchise.… Read more

U.N. Contract to Airdrop Aid into Syria Awarded to Lunchables

DAMASCUS – The last resort of humanitarian aid has been valiantly taken up by the last resort of prepackaged meals as Lunchables has been selected to provide 15 tones of food aid to Syrian residents. The effort marks a significant step for parent company Kraft-Heinz (KHC) as it re-positions its unsold inventory as a boon for the public sector.… Read more

Gold Futures Down as Leprechaun Cabal Shows Signs of Breaking

DUBLIN, IRELAND – Commodities speculators this week are shedding gold futures in anticipation of a market flood. The storied Leprechaun cabal, which has artificially kept prices high for centuries by withholding significant reserves, has begun to fissure. “This in-fighting is only the beginning,” warns analyst Dan O’Grady, “many of these Leprechauns will stop at nothing to protect their hordes from entering circulation, but younger generations, mostly those Leprechauns born after 1750, think have a real advantage in a competitive market.”… Read more

HR Adopts Haptic Feedback System

PHOENIX, AZ – The local human resources department of global accounting firm KPMG has implemented a haptic system to relay immediate feedback to employees. This novel form of communication uses kinetic forces and vibrations to really beat some sense into accountants who get out of line.… Read more

Amazon Drones Protest Humane Conditions

SEATTLE, WA – Among the various strikes around the globe that have challenged the retail giant Amazon (AMZN), the latest comes from an dangerously overlooked segment of labor, robots. Autonomous workers at the company, from warehouse shelving robots to aerial delivery drones, go on strike today in protest of vastly humane conditions, which are unsatisfactory to their mechanical hulls and circuitry.… Read more

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