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U.N. Contract to Airdrop Aid into Syria Awarded to Lunchables

DAMASCUS – The last resort of humanitarian aid has been valiantly taken up by the last resort of prepackaged meals as Lunchables has been selected to provide 15 tones of food aid to Syrian residents. The effort marks a significant step for parent company Kraft-Heinz (KHC) as it re-positions its unsold inventory as a boon for the public sector.

When faced with concern that the plastic-wrapped crackers and cold cuts, along with personal pizza varieties, were a negative departure from the dry stores of lentils and rice typically provided as food aid, U.N. World Food Programme spokeswoman Elizabeth Fong responded that, “Lunchables, as every American third-grader with overworked parents knows, are the heartiest and most durable option we have. Ten pallets of these bad boys will last the civilian population for months at even at room temperature.” The proposed airdrop is slated later this month for the Oscar Mayer Zeppelin-fleet flagship, the Weiner-ppelin.

Although bologna, as advertised in Lunchables’ promotional materials, is typically against Islamic dietary restrictions, in reality the lack of authentic meat, pork or otherwise, renders Lunchables technically halal. If recipients still do not want the meals, Ms. Fong adds, they can always trade them with a friends for a few Fruit Roll-Ups at recess.

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