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Fed Undertakes Quantitative Pleasing Efforts to Get Everyone to Just Calm Down

WASHINGTON – With everyone from economists to small businesses watching the the Federal Reserve this week, Chairman Jerome H. Powell announced that the central bank would be enacting strong quantitative pleasing measures “to have some breathing room for a while.” After constantly raising rates since 2008, Mr. Powell has signaled that “making everyone happy” so they leave the Fed alone is the best move for the economists to take a step back and really get a good grasp on the situation.

“Look, this stuff is pretty complicated,” sighs Ed Danvers, a staff advisor to the chairman, “no one here knows what ‘interests rates’ actually do, so the plan for now is just put out doughnuts in the break room and set up a happy hour for Friday.” Although many banks and businesses do not believe that these efforts will be enough to quell fears of the president’s trade war and fend of inflation, critics agree with Charles Evans, president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago, that “doughnuts would be a pretty nice gesture, especially if there’s also some special ones, like maple-bacon or something.”

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