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Posts published in September 2019

Poke Bowl Craze Decimating Native Pokémon Populations

HONOLULU, HI – Pokémon stocks in throughout the nation are on the brink of collapse largely because authorities have allowed too many to be killed to support the glut of poke bowl restaurants that have recently opened, according to a new research paper by Pallet Town Laboratories. The high exploitation of pokémon to be eaten – traditionally, pokémon are bred to for barbaric street fights – may be more to blame for the worldwide decline than global warming, with fat, lovable variants such as Psyduck or Slowbro being the most vulnerable.… Read more

“Hedging Investment, Altria Offers Menthols as Safe Alternative to Juul

RICHMOND, VA – Tobacco giant Altria (MO) is scrambling to protect their $13B investment in electronic cigarette make JUUL Labs as the vape manufacturers weathers a criminal probe amid a spate of deaths related to similar products across the nation. With a marketing campaign that returns to the firm’s roots, Altria is positioning menthol cigarettes as a “safer, and definitely cooler” alternative to vaping products.… Read more

Spirit of Halloween Store Spookily Early

EVERY AMERICAN CITY – Something dark is brewing in the abandoned Famous Footwear downtown. Under the cover of night, a mysterious figure from a faraway land (perhaps New Jersey) conjured an entire storefront from the aether, nearly three whole months before traditional All Hallow’s Eve festivities are set to begin. The man, clad in a dark cloak bearing only the insignia of his master, The Spirit of Halloween, has been seen in these woods every year, although he is wont to sell his arcane wares in the crisp autumn, when the shadows grow longer each night and death begins to claw the leaves from once-verdant boughs.… Read more

Young Man Radicalized Online, Joins Extremist Capitalist Faction

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, UPPER MANHATTAN – It is harrowing story, but, unfortunately, an all-to-familiar one: a bright, young man descends into an online world that warps his mind with twisted ideologies and entices him to fight for a cause he barely understands.

The day that Bobby Caldwell of Appleton, WI, left home for good he packed light: a pair of slacks, an Oxford-cut button-down, new Ferragamos that he saw in a video once.… Read more

Heavy Metals Mining Company Expands into Adult Contemporary

NYE COUNTY, NV – The Round Mountain Mine, an open-pit mine extracting gold and other heavy metals or over a hundred years, is adjusting its portfolio to include adult contemporary and other genres. It’s a significant shift for the mine’s operator, but a spokesman for Kinross Gold has confirmed that the pivot is a step forward, “Soft rock is definitely wears the money’s at now; the sheer volume of Adam Levines we can extract over the coming decade is staggering.”… Read more

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