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Half of All Startups Fail Because People like Dave Can’t Get Their Shit Together

NEW YORK CITY – As a leading voice in the business community, Boredroom News has covered the journeys of hundreds of startups and have seen a pattern in these stories. Now, we’re sharing the five most common pitfalls that have waylaid entrepreneurs on their paths to success, despite the fact that articles like this have already been published and we told one member of our team [David Haig] to specifically look at them.

  1. Market Need

More than anything else, startup fails because they don’t have a product or service that the market wants to buy. This may seem pretty self-explanatory, but when we assigned market research to a certain member of our team, he assured us that “of course millions of people want to read sophomoric satire about options trading littered with esoteric references.”

  1. Lack of Funds

It doesn’t take a top MBA to know that companies need cash to keep the website up and running, but those invoices were supposed to go out two weeks ago, but I have no idea what Dave thought he should be doing instead.

  1. Mis-aligned Marketing

Find the right channels for your audience early; e.g. an internet satire publication needs a strong Twitter presence, not the brilliant idea of a giant billboard in Queens.

  1. No Internal Processes

It can be hard to do everything for the first time, but somebody had to check on whether the printer changed the logo on the new t-shirts, and guess who’s assigned to that in Trello?

  1. Unclear Priorities

Keeping a simple Excel sheet of expenses shouldn’t be that hard, but apparently it is for that fucktard, Dave.

Putting it all together:

Any new startup can prevent these common obstacles, and every entrepreneur must continuously re-evaluate their team and either get Dave’s ass in gear or out the door.

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