HONOLULU, HI – Pokémon stocks in throughout the nation are on the brink of collapse largely because authorities have allowed too many to be killed to support the glut of poke bowl restaurants that have recently opened, according to a new research paper by Pallet Town Laboratories. The high exploitation of pokémon to be eaten – traditionally, pokémon are bred to for barbaric street fights – may be more to blame for the worldwide decline than global warming, with fat, lovable variants such as Psyduck or Slowbro being the most vulnerable.
Poke bowls, the beloved Hawaiian dish made with diced raw pokémon and various ingredients like seaweed and roasted nuts, exploded on to the fast-casual food scene in 2015 and spread rapidly from the West Coast. The wide proliferation of the dish was fueled, in part, by the rise of Pokémon Go, the augmented reality game that allows players to discover new, exotic creatures to fight, kill, and flay raw for a delicious low-carb lunch.
“The Squirtles are disappearing from our streams at an alarming rate, and the Nidoran herds in the Montana Federal Pokémon Reserve may never fully recover,” laments Dr. Nancy Haas, lead conservation scientist in Pallet Town Laboratories. “You would think that people would just use the over-abundance of Magikarp to make their poke bowls, but they just don’t have the exquisite taste of a ripe Pikachu.”