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Posts published in October 2019

Tiger Schulmann Karate Wins $10B Pentagon Contract to Train USMC

SAN DIEGO, CA – The Department of Defense awarded a $10 billion contract to Tiger Schulmann Karate (TSK) on Friday to overhaul the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (MCMAP). The 20-year contract will cede virtually all administration and instruction of the USMC’s hand-to-hand combat training regimen to the famed dojo led by Daniel ‘Tiger’ Schulmann.… Read more

Fabergé Anal Beads Fail to Gain Traction with Consumers

MOSCOW – Citing “severe miscalculations” in both material science as well as human anatomy, the famed Fabergé workshop has halted production on all bespoke anal sex toys. “They may have been good enough for Tsar Alexander’s prostate, but they were a heartier stock back then,” explained Master Craftsman Andrei Karpovich, “the anal cavities of the modern consumer just do not respond with the same taboo ecstasy to bejeweled objets d’art as did our Imperial patrons’.”… Read more

Bailout Deal Allows SoftBank Execs to Steal Any Food They Want from WeWork Shared Fridges

NEW YORK CITY – After a disastrous IPO attempt, the We Company is reportedly offering SoftBank financiers whatever food they find in WeWork communal spaces to encourage an emergency bailout of almost $3 billion. The once-feted purveyor of shared office space had been previously valued at nearly $47 billion but now says, “all bets are off” when it comes to lunchtime with the SoftBank management team, “even clearly labeled items as well as uncut birthday cake is fair game”.… Read more

NYC FakeTaxi Drivers Are Struggling in the Age of FakeUber

NEW YORK CITY – If you want to know the effect FakeUber and FakeLyft are having on New York City’s FakeTaxi yellow cabs, just take a ride in the backseat of one that has pulled over to the side of the road because you didn’t have enough money to pay. There used to be dozens of iconic FakeTaxi drivers willing to accept sexual favors on camera in lieu of payment, but now hot, young coeds without cash to get back to their sorority are instead opting to trade poon to FakeUber and its rivals.… Read more

Starbucks Reserve Called Up for 3rd Wave Coffee Offensive

SEATTLE – The coffee chain Starbucks has issued emergency call up orders to hundreds of Reserve battalions in light of a new cold brew and ethically-sourced blitzkrieg by various small-batch coffee purveyors across America. Chief Executive Kevin Johnson has given the these Reservists complete autonomy to utilize whatever brewing methods they deem necessary to launch a bold, earthy counter-offensive.… Read more

Blizzard Launches WOW Quest Suspiciously Similar to Quelling Hong Kong Protests

HONG KONG, CHINA(?) – Activision Blizzard is in hot water again just weeks after facing backlash for censoring players who support the protests here in Hong Kong. The e-sport giant’s relationship with the Chinese Communist Party’s is under more scrutiny this week after a new campaign added to the World of Warcraft MMORPG bears many similarities to recent uprising in Hong Kong.… Read more

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