NEW YORK CITY – If you want to know the effect FakeUber and FakeLyft are having on New York City’s FakeTaxi yellow cabs, just take a ride in the backseat of one that has pulled over to the side of the road because you didn’t have enough money to pay. There used to be dozens of iconic FakeTaxi drivers willing to accept sexual favors on camera in lieu of payment, but now hot, young coeds without cash to get back to their sorority are instead opting to trade poon to FakeUber and its rivals.
This means that many hardworking FakiTaxi drivers, many who fluffed their way to earn FakeTaxi medallions, may go hours without laying pipe to at least offset the price of gas. However, it boils down to convenience for many key demographics like horny milfs wanting to get back at their ex and ditsy blondes who “just happened to leave the house without her wallet or her panties.”
“It’s hard out here,” sighs Magnus Dong, a former FakeTaxi driver who retired because he felt “squeezed out, not squeezed off” on the job. “The Silicon Valley fatcats are taking most of the furburger for themselves, leaving us barely able to plow down twin brats who thought they could hop their fare at the mall.” A decade ago FakeUber was able to siphon off FakeTaki driver by promising the tightest pink tacos, but not anymore, when even a quick rimmer is rare.
“I guess I’ll have to find something else,” says Mr. Dong, “I hear mall security and model casting are similar fields.”