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Fabergé Anal Beads Fail to Gain Traction with Consumers

MOSCOW – Citing “severe miscalculations” in both material science as well as human anatomy, the famed Fabergé workshop has halted production on all bespoke anal sex toys. “They may have been good enough for Tsar Alexander’s prostate, but they were a heartier stock back then,” explained Master Craftsman Andrei Karpovich, “the anal cavities of the modern consumer just do not respond with the same taboo ecstasy to bejeweled objets d’art as did our Imperial patrons’.” Reports indicate that the workshop has begun to repurpose production towards BDSM ball gags, although they’ll definitely clean the old eggs off first.

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