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Posts published in November 2019

Perdue Farms Reaches Deal to Buy Presidentially-Pardoned Turkey for $1.3 Million

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Another storied White House tradition has been altered this week by President Trump, who announced today that the turkeys to be pardoned on Thanksgiving will then be sold to Perdue Farms for their “Celebrity Cold Cuts” product line. This Thursday, the bird chosen by the National Turkey Federation, Gobbles, will be presented to Mr.… Read more

Coca-Cola Courts China for Deep Fresca Reserves

TIANJIN PROVINCE – President Trump’s trade war with the world’s most populist country may have some U.S. firms and investors wary of the future, but for Coca-Cola (KO), their outlook has never been fresher.

Geologists, funded by the beverage conglomerate, found deep underwater lakes brimming with the lime- and grapefruit-flavored diet soda, which Coco-Cola executives are eager to extract.… Read more

Report: Ultra-Rich Hermit Crabs Hiding Assets in Caribbean Shell Companies

ST. GEORGE’S, GRENADA – Although nearly four years have passed since the explosive revaluations of the Panama Papers were published, most citizens still do not comprehend the extent of wealth hidden offshore. An exclusive report by the Boredroom News now shows that the top 1% of hermit crabs invest the majority of their assets, as well as live, in Caribbean shells.… Read more

Starbucks Introduces the Next Fall Favorite: the Latke Spice Latte

SEATTLE, WA – Sixteen years after introducing pumpkin spice consumers, Starbucks is finally bringing a worthy successor to its fall menu: the latke spice latte.

The coffee powerhouse started working on the new brew last year, landing on a drink made with equal parts pureed fried potatoes and frothy sour cream foam, with a dusting of onion flakes.… Read more

IBM Bets Big on Pivot to Unprofessional Services

ARMONK, NY — With better-than-expected earnings to round out the last quarter, senior leadership at Big Blue (IBM) announced during their annual earnings call how they intend to generate value for their “dipshit clients” as they shift to more unprofessional services offerings.

Ginni Rommetty, IBM’s current chief executive and self-proclaimed “big, bad bitch,” who is leading the change throughout the century-old organization, was optimistic.… Read more

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