DETROIT, MI – Back in the good old days, just about anyone could go up to someone’s door and ring their doorbell to see if they were home. If no one answered the bell, an easy burglary; if not, at least you had the element of surprise over any residents. In this day, however, millennials will pull into the driveway and simply shoot a text to their friend saying “here,” leaving any honest would-be burglar high and dry.
“These snowflake millenials simply expect all visitors to text beforehand,” laments veteran criminal Roger D’Angelo, “and they go into panic mode whenever they hear the bell at all and just lock the place down.” According to home invasion experts list Mr. D’Angelo, the entire industry has shifted away from the lucrative younger target to the elderly, whose penchant for welcoming unannounced visitors and general frailty doesn’t make up for their limited assets and very fixed incomes.
Some Boredroom News readers, especially the cowardly ones, may not even realize the chilling effects they’re creating. “The doorbell legit scares me now,” whines Kyle Ackerman, 25, “I even grab my paella pan for defense just in case.” It is “plain rude,” he continues, not to text ‘here’ if you’re creeping around in the bushes with a ski mask and crowbar, particularly if you’re a stranger or professional burglar.
“Ringing a doorbell is like a voice call or semaphore at this point; it’s either an clueless relative, Mormons, or a dangerous killer trying to rob me,” says Mr. Ackerman. “And I really don’t like Mormons.”