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Posts published in November 2019

“Kubrick+ Streaming Platform Only Offers Unskippable Version of Barry Lyndon

BURBANK, CA – The new streaming service, hailed by many as “revolutionary,” has made the bold decision to limit its entire catalog to the 1975 period drama, Barry Lyndon. Because 3-hour epic cannot be rewound, paused, or stopped at any time, the move has surprised many, especially those users who signed up for the $47-per-month platform who expected the legendary director’s more popular works.… Read more

Goldman Sachs CEO Arrested for Selling Unregulated Securities on Subway Platform

BROOKLYN, NY – The arrest of yet another “unauthorized vendor” in a New York City subway station has caused outrage with many criticizing the police for unnecessarily harassing an old man just trying to make a living. The man, identified as David M. Solomon, Chief Executive Officer of Goldman Sachs, was taken into custody on Wednesday for illegally selling shares in a state-run Malaysian investment fund on the Broadway Junction station in Brooklyn.… Read more

Are Millenials Texting ‘Here’ Killing the Home Invasion Industry?

DETROIT, MI – Back in the good old days, just about anyone could go up to someone’s door and ring their doorbell to see if they were home. If no one answered the bell, an easy burglary; if not, at least you had the element of surprise over any residents. In this day, however, millennials will pull into the driveway and simply shoot a text to their friend saying “here,” leaving any honest would-be burglar high and dry.… Read more

Failure to Launch: Only Content Available on Disney+ Animated Robin Hood Gifs

BURBANK, CA – The most anticipated launch of the streaming era hit a major snag this morning as Disney+, the vehicle by which Disney (DIS) plans to exclusively distribute their content. User who logged onto the service this morning did not find the vast library of Marvel, Star Wars, of animated favorites, but instead were met with only an array of short gifs from the 1973 feature cartoon of Robin Hood.… Read more

Cursed Zoom Meeting Haunted by Ghost Mouse Pointer

BETHESDA, MD – It was a dark and story late afternoon when the assembled Sales and Operations teams at Chevy Chase Regional Bank, many from throughout the Greater D.C. area, dialed into a Zoom teleconference hosted by strange and unknown forces. Although Katherine, from Sales, had kicked off the meeting by going over the newest quarterly projections, a rogue supernatural entity had infiltrated the presentation almost immediately.… Read more

Pulitzer Committee Adds New Category for Bojack Horseman Thinkpieces

NEW YORK CITY – Columbia University announced that this year’s Pulitzer Prize Board will consider a new category, Excellence in Bojack Horseman Thinkpiece Writing. Steve Coll, Dean of the Columbia School of Journalism, hails the new category as sign in the ever-changing media landscape and an advancement in superficial self-reflection prompted by cartoons.

Rated on overt empathy for severe depression, knowledge of obscure Los Angeles references, and an appreciation for whimsical sight gags, the inaugural prize comes at a boom-time of Bojack content as the series awaits the second half of its final season on Netflix (NFLX.… Read more

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