NORTH POLE — Half-finished toys strewn about, workers asleep on the assembly line, urine-soaked yule logs: welcome to Santa’s Workshop. Behind its immaculately-curated public image, life at the North Pole is far from candy canes and gumdrops; Boredroom News’ exclusive undercover report reveals the dismal conditions in which elves work to bring materialistic joy to children every Christmas.
“The quotas are literally untenable,” lamented one elf who wished to remain anonymous, referring to the two billion toys manufactured by hand every year for the world’s children, “we work in 24-hour shifts and still have to piss into the decorative stockings because the only toilet is an outhouse a mile across the tundra.” In a land where the sun never rises at all during the busiest season, the vast toy warehouse is as dark and joyless and the elves’ own spirits.
Through a prepared statement, the Chief Executive of the workshop, Santa Claus, denied allegations of inhumane conditions and said that every Elf “is proud to assist him in bringing Christmas cheer across the globe.”
“Look, it’s not that we don’t like making toys,” explained another elf, “it’s the bossman himself. Santa is always watching, always judging; if he sees you slow down, even to relieve yourself, he puts you on ‘the naughty list.'”
“Elves on the naughty list get beat with a sack of coal and left for the reindeer.” For many elves, the psychological torment is as debilitating as the physical toil.
“All this for what?” our source asked, “Cheap plastic toys they could get on Amazon?”