SANTA MONICA, CA — Top scientists celebrated a momentous discovery this week, the first confirmed instance of a quantum vagina under controlled conditions. The institution behind the research, Goop Laboratories, hailed the breakthrough as a pivotal step in theoretical pseudogynocology.
“We have opened the very legs of god,” beamed Goop founder Gweneth Paltrow, who also served as principal investigator for the experiment. “Although highly unstable, our lab-grown quantum vagina proves that concentrated yonic energy can be achieved in a lab.” Ms. Paltrow credits a large part of the success to the unique equipment manufactured specifically for the laboratory, which can now be purchased through Goop’s boutique website. “Not everyone needs a $500k vintage centrifuge, but with its Belgian-designed rose gold piping and jade inlays, this piece makes a stunning addition to any home or vanity research facility.”
Not everyone, however, sees Goop’s cutting edge research as positive; UK Health Chief Simon Stevens cautions that the laboratory “spreads misinformation.” Furthermore, he admonishes, the quantum vagina itself “may unleash unforeseen sexually-transmitted diseases from beyond our plane of existence,” potentially threatening the pH balance of the known universe.
Goop representatives declined to comment on their responsibility to close the quantum vaginal rift that they had opened and re-iterated that there have been no reports yet of consumers being sucked into its ever-gaping, interdimensional maw.