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Raytheon Warns Customer Lifetime Value of Missiles Approaching All-Time Lows

WALTHAM, MA — At Raytheon’s Chief Executive Officer Tom Kennedy warned shareholders of plummeting value of the firm’s missile product line unless the United States, as well as the rest of the world, engaged in more heavily-armed combat.

“Warheads on foreheads is our business,” Kennedy said at the Raytheon annual earnings call on Thursday, “but business isn’t booming. Fifteen years ago, every Tomahawk Land Attack Missile that left our factories were promptly delivered to end users, various Al-Qaeda insurgents and their neighbors, by the U.S. Navy almost everyday. The Afghani people certainly got their money’s worth at $1.5 million a pop, but now these goat herders are lucky to experience a 500kg payload of freedom twice a month.”

The problem cannot be solved by America alone, he said, despite concentrated efforts to encourage Congress and and the Trump Administration to ramp up missile user experience. Other nations must commit to wide-scale international conflict as well in order to maximize service delivery of products like the AIM-7 Sparrow, which is intended for close air-to-air combat. “Probably only Putin has the combatant aircraft to make the product lines viable, or else someone will have to start shooting down weather balloons.”

Although there is room for improvement in the expansive arsenal that Raytheon provides to the United States, Kennedy assured investors that the company’s automatic handgun subsidiary was bolstering the brand and the bottom line, especially among the critical teen demographics.

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