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United CEO Assures Air Travel is ‘100% Safe’ while Furiously Chugging Emergen-C

CHICAGO – Amid the wave of quarantines, bans on corporate travel, and a growing death toll, Oscar Munoz, the chief executive of United Airlines, spoke to the press to allay fears of air travel while he guzzled whole packets of Emergen-C mixed into various water bottles set out for the press conference.

“United is committed to providing a sanitary, virus-free experience across our international and domestic fleets,” a sweating, distracted Munoz announced as he snapped open yet another straw of the powdered drink mix, purportedly able to prevent flu symptoms, and snorted a stiff line off the conference table.

Munoz concluded the the announcement with praise for the thousands of United employees, who have “steadfastly volunteered to remain at their posts” because they had run out of sick days, before aides immediately administered his daily spongebath of Purell.

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