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Netflix Releases ‘Butthole Cut’ of The Irishman

LOS ANGELES — “It was no easy feat to make Pacino’s ballon-knot look as tight as a 30-year-old’s,” explains one VFX artist who claims to have generated, and then removed, “photo-realistic assholes” of the most feted men Hollywood. Martin Scorsese, The Irishman‘s director, has announced that a “butthole cut” of the film will be made available in coming days.

“Scorsese is an absolute auteur,” the source, who does not wish to be named in fear of being offered more butthole-related work, “and insisted on de-aging every actor — comprehensively. It was all part of his vision to have a period-perfect rendering of these men at certain points in time, and that initially included a mix of make-up magic and visual effects to make Joe Pesci’s fart box look as taught as possible in early scenes.”

However, Netflix executives did not originally share the director’s vision, and the theatrical cut was famously butthole-free, with computer-generated pants added to actors is almost every scene. “I have been extraordinarily blessed to have made the film I wanted,” admits Martin Scorsese, “but my only regret is that the audience is missing out on the sea of youthful chocolate pockets to really create the ultimate level of authenticity.”

Nevertheless, in these new and challenging times, Netflix says that they have acquiesced to the director’s wishes amid recent internet fervor and will release what Scorsese calls “the most true version of The Irishman to date.” And early critics have reacted favorably to the update, most agreeing that there is not greater symbol of the corruption, degeneracy, and violence of the crime underworld than Bob De Niro’s unwashed, CGI-enhanced, asshole.

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