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Babylonian Farmers Struggle to Recover from Ishtar’s Wrath

Ur — Barely farmers are off to a rocky start in Q2 of the third year of Hammurabi’s reign as the dependable cereal crop failed to reach levels expected before the Queen of Heaven devastated all agriculture in the region. At the time the Tigris and Euphrates rivers normally flood the plains and mark the beginning of the harvest season, scythes lie unused as locals attempt to appease Ishtar and save this year’s crop.

“The Goddess Ishtar is as wise and just as she is vengeful and powerful, so I’m confident that we’ll see an uptick in yields as farm collectives escalate their burnt offerings,” explains Sumu-la-El, an Akkadian barley futures trader. “It’s really a matter of how many and how fast we can slaughter a hecatomb of cattle to sway to the divine will before annual earnings fall in line with projections.”

Why Ishtar unleashed the blight is known only to the goddess herself, but temple priests across the region have speculated that, like many other activist investors, she felt Babylonian farmers had become over-leveraged and wanted to force corporate-farm restructuring, “or an old bandit woman could have murdered her adolescent lover and she flew into blind rage, who knows?”

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