NEW YORK CITY — In what can only be described an unequivocal miracle, President Trump’s self-aggrandizing air show has almost instantaneously solved the Coronavirus pandemic. After the formation of US Navy Blue Angels and US Air Force Thunderbirds swept through all five boroughs of the beleaguered city at around noon, almost every patient afflicted by COVID-19 was discharged in excellent health by press time.
“I was skeptical how $20 million dollars would be better spent on jet fuel rather than testing, ventilators, or even basic PPE,” admits Dr. Christopher Keith of New York Presbyterian, “but, boy, was I wrong! I’ve never seen anything like it in the fifteen years I’ve been practicing medicine, but then again, we’ve never had the foresight to treat a virus with F/A-16 afterburners.”
It truly is a glorious day of celebration in every city blessed with this Mach 3 spectacle, but billion-dollar airplanes may not be a viable solution for much of the world. “The Divine God-Emperor Trump is really the only world leader with the tactical genius to accomplish such a feat,” explains noted military strategist and pandemic expert Benjamin Wilkoff. “Besides, it’s not really feasible to fly advanced fighter jets to those shithole countries, anyway.”