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Editor-in-Chief: Why We’re Not Returning Federal Aid

These are unprecedented times for journalism, America, and the world. With offices shuttered for weeks, if not months, every business faces a difficult choice: drastically reduce staff or bleed cash until the whole business goes bankrupt. Although troubled from the start, the federal Payment Protection Program is meant for small organizations, like Boredroom News, through the coronavirus pandemic.

I am proud to say that because we applied for and received such a loan, not one Boredroom News employee has lost his job. Although we’ve managed our payroll well over the years by not paying our reporters livable wages, this crisis has unveiled staggering unforeseen costs that Trump’s largesse has helped ameliorate. When we evacuated the three floors of office space we rent on Park Avenue, we knew that we would not be able to come back for months. Since the climate in Manhattan is rather hot and unpleasant in the summer, we set the thermostat at 65 degrees Fahrenheit so that it would be cool and fresh whenever we return. Indeed this is an absolute necessity; the journalistic process itself grinds to a halt if a reporter’s ball are stuck to the inside of his thighs.

We knew that there would have to be hard decisions, but to return to an office too balmy in the summer is fundamentally disrespectful to the sacrifices front-line workers are making everyday. Beyond the providing a work environment conducive to the ground-breaking journalism Boredroom News is known for, I absolutely refuse to compromise the employee health by having everyone sweating like pigs at a barbecue. Therefore, it is without shame or hesitation that we asked for a modest $2.3 million in federal aid to keep the air on all summer if needed, and we are especially thankful to our friend and key business advisor, Jared Kushner, who helped us apply for the loan. Even if our revenues might be too high to be legally eligible for the program (we haven’t checked yet), we will not follow our weaker-willed competitors and allow the money-grubbing Democrats to redistribute our wealth to draft-dodgers and Californians.

Everyday Americans are wondering what the “New Normal” will be, but it must include comfortable temperatures for all office workers emerging from months of quarantine. Also, we left the executive jacuzzi running because it takes a super long time to heat up, and that’s really expensive, too.

Yours in Capitalism,

— Milty, Editor-in-Chief

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