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MBAs Moved Online Won’t Relax Cocaine Quota to Graduate

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Many students knew their last semester at business school would pose unique challenges, but maintaining a steady high from their childhood bedrooms was never part of the plan. As programs shutter due to the pandemic, administrators are “committed to providing the standard of education that has been fueled by high quality party drugs for decades,” says Zelon Crawford, Dean of Students and Intoxicants at Columbia Business School, and many graduating MBAs, and their dealers, are scrambling to keep up.

“I was prepared to bunker down for midterms at my parents’ place,” Adam Preston, a second-year at the Tuck School of Business told Boredroom News via telegraph, “but when my learning team mailed me half a kilo so I could snort my share, I knew finishing my MBA online wouldn’t be as easy as it sounds.” Adam’s fellow students felt the same way, finding that even as the international travel morphed into Zoom, the academic rigor and powerful narcotics quotas would not abate.

The pandemic has showcased inequality throughout every facet of society, and certainly the cocaine habits at elite business schools are not immune. “I was always able to pump up my coke numbers every semester just by hanging out the men’s room on Thursdays,” another MBA student told Boredroom News, “but I don’t have the deep reserves like some of my classmates; I think my parents are getting suspicious of the amount of baby laxatives I’m going though, too.”

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