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Whole Foods Employees Quit for Safety of Times Square Elmos

NEW YORK CITY — As Whole Foods stores remain open amid the pandemic and workers are increasingly anxious about their safety, a leaked company report states that nearly two dozen local employees have resigned their posts at the Amazon-held chain to pursue a career with less public interaction, suiting up as unlicensed characters in Times Square.

While posing in photos with people and begging them for tips normally could lead to more virus exposure, these workers overwhelmingly report feeling safer. “Whole Foods customers are flat-up nasty; they’ll wipe their kid’s snotty nose on the persimmons and walk away, as if $6 asparagus water makes them immune,” said Jamie Scott, who recently began aggressively panhandling as Ronny Rat, an unlicensed Mickey Mouse knockoff. “This costume doubles as full body armor. These guys couldn’t infect me even if they tried.”

Charlie Simmons, proprietor of Elmo’s Elbows, an agency managing costumed characters throughout the city and parts of Long Island, says his company’s growth over the last month is unprecedented. “Usually we have to press-gang this job since the suits cultivate a mighty swamp ass come June,” admits Simmons, “but I’m offering sneeze-free environment where every employee wears a full-body condom every day, and that makes us the best place to work if you want both a paycheck and fluid-free lungs.”

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