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Posts published in June 2020

Professional Dog Fighting Association To Start Season without Players Consent

ATLANTA, GA — The commissioner of the Professional Dog Fighting Association (PDFA) announced Monday afternoon that the truncated season will start in July, albeit without the consent of the fighting dogs themselves. “The owners understand that many dogs do not feel comfortable mauling each other to death for our amusement,” explained Commissioner Ron Dogford, as he nervously eyed the growling German Shepherds in attendance, “but the reality is that they’re bred to kill and we won’t make any money if they don’t.”… Read more

Chiquita Fruit Co. Grapples with Racist Past, Re-installs Former Guatemalan Regime

GUATEMALA CITY — Many American corporations now face a reckoning with legacies built on centuries of systemic racism, but Chiquita Brands is one of the few to take substantial action. Chiquita announced today that it had toppled the Guatemalan republic by force and handed the reigns to followers of Jacobo Árbenz, whom the company formerly known as United Fruit had ousted in the 1954 Guatemalan coup d’état.… Read more

Firework Sales Boom as Raytheon Enters Direct-to-Consumer Market

FLATBUSH, NY — As the pandemic continues to wreak havoc on supply chains worldwide, some industries, such as the urban fireworks market, are thriving due to major supply chain innovations by international munitions dealers such as Raytheon, who has confirmed that the company launched their new direct-to-consumer (DTC) platform in urban areas across the country earlier this month.… Read more

Quaker Oats to Change Name, Says William Penn ‘Does Not Represent Our Commitment to Crass Materialism’

CHICAGO — The Quaker Oats Company, has announced plans to retire their century-old mascot amid backlash over the character’s history, acknowledging that “the Quaker principles of simplicity and integrity are incompatible with our corporate mission to embrace the extremes of Capitalism.”

Critics of the company, a subsidiary of PepsiCo, says that the move is in the right direction, but some activist investors claim that Quaker Oats knew the image of William Penn “promoted outdated values,” such as stewardship in the community and devotion to integrity in all aspects of life, for years without taking action.… Read more

Hobby Lobby Praises SCOTUS Decision: “We Won’t Fire You as Long as You’re Gay for Jesus”

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — A surprising Supreme Court ruling yesterday further enshrined workplace protects for gay and transgender Americans, and has forced some Evangelical business leaders, who had long been exempted from anti-discrimination lawsuits, to embrace new diversity policies. Among them is Hobby Lobby, announcing that “all employees are now allowed to express their sexual identity in the workplace,” according to company-wide memo, “provided that Jesus Christ is the sole object of their same-sex attraction.”… Read more

McDonald’s Employee Accused of Shitting in McFlurries Has 19 Prior Complaints of Shitting in McFlurries

TEMPE, AZ — An employee caught on camera violently defecating into the ice cream machine at the McDonald’s on University Drive had over a dozen prior misconduct complaints for the same activity, according the employee’s shift supervisor. “We knew Derek had been pooping in the chocolate soft-serve for months, actually,” admits Assistant Manager Shannon Lin of 14-year McDonald’s veteran food handler, Derek Chavez, whose reign of frozen fecal terror has been common knowledge throughout the Tempe community.… Read more

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