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U.S. Navy to be Called Up for Sweepers, Securing Gear Adrift, after Riots

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a week of intense riots after the murder of George Floyd at the hands of the Minneapolis Police, the Secretary of Defense confirmed that active duty Navy personnel would be deployed to domestic cities, “to do what American Sailors know best: Sweepers.” The extraordinary move activate the military was decided on Monday night as President Trump cowered underground, demanding an elite military effort to solve civil unrest.

“We’re sending a battle-hardened cadre of Boatswain’s mates (many of whom would definitely have passed BUD/S if not for an old lacrosse injury) to take back the streets of our nation’s capital,” said Secretary Esper, “and I’ll be damned if any of these [expletive] rioters will leave high dust on ladderbacks when I’m done with them.” Nearly 1,000 Sailors have been ordered to standby their brooms as a quick response force to the impending gear adrift generated by peaceful protesters, although over half of the identified force has been authorized to schedule doctors’s appointments or do annual cybersecurity training during that time.

A spokesperson for Secretary Esper later clarified his earlier statement, noting that in addition to the Sailors provided for sweepers, the guided missile cruiser USS Vicksburg would also be providing naval gun fire support with both Mark 45 artillery guns from the Chesapeake Bay.

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