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New York Times Returns to Original Mission of Reminding New Yorkers What Time It Is

MIDTOWN, MANHATTAN — Following the publication of an op-ed by alleged Tom Cotton, an alleged war criminal and sitting U.S. senator, that called for a military coup against American cities, the famed Gray Lady has “returned to our roots of dutifully announcing the current time in New York City, without commentary or incendiary attacks on democracy,” according to Arthur Sulzberger. “We do a disservice to every New Yorker,” continued the publisher, whose family founded the storied newsroom, “who does not own his own pocketwatch and prefers to live without fascism.” Starting this week, the New York Times will be eliminating the position of editorial page editor and will be replacing it with a cheap Casio watch with new batteries.

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