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Struggling Economy Bolstered as Doughnut Shops End Police Discounts

NORTH KINGSTON, R.I. — While the world economy struggles to rebound from a historic drop in consumer demand due to the coronavirus pandemic, some communities have found much needed dollars by making members of the police and military pay full price for coffee and doughnuts, especially as many companies are distancing themselves from over-militarized law enforcement organizations. “We estimate up to a quarter of our economy had been unrealized, and untaxed, in the form of free and heavily-discounted pastries,” says Chamber of Commerce President Susan McCray of the few hundred members of the local police known to consume on average nearly three doughnuts, and at least one bear claw, daily.

As expected, many cops have pushed back against the local stores, barely scraping by throughout the pandemic, that dare charge them the same price as the citizens they serve. “Without this vital carbohydrates and caffeine, no officer won’t even have the energy to pull over the first brown person he sees, let alone drag him from his vehicle,” pleads Newport Patrolman’s Union spokesman Tim O’Connor. “It’s really not fair that union dues otherwise going to politicians are being diverted to community business instead.”

Although some doughnut shops lament the loss of uniformed customers to whom they felt obligated to provide steeply-discounted goods out of fear, others see upsides in not catering to police. “It’s not even the decades racketeering or the recent brutality in the news that got to me,” admits Arthur Goldman, proprietor of Arty’s Donuts and who wished to remain anonymous, “but we’re ending the cop discounts because we can’t get our Kosher certification if we keep letting treif in.”

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