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Hobby Lobby Praises SCOTUS Decision: “We Won’t Fire You as Long as You’re Gay for Jesus”

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — A surprising Supreme Court ruling yesterday further enshrined workplace protects for gay and transgender Americans, and has forced some Evangelical business leaders, who had long been exempted from anti-discrimination lawsuits, to embrace new diversity policies. Among them is Hobby Lobby, announcing that “all employees are now allowed to express their sexual identity in the workplace,” according to company-wide memo, “provided that Jesus Christ is the sole object of their same-sex attraction.” Chief Executive David Green explained that Hobby Lobby has always welcomed men who love Jesus as Our Savior, “and those men who also Jesus the Man, with his washboard abs and cum-gutter definition” will no longer be turned away form employment. When asked if lesbians would be able to express their identities as well, Mr. Green said it would probably be allowed “if they had permission from their husbands.”

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