GUATEMALA CITY — Many American corporations now face a reckoning with legacies built on centuries of systemic racism, but Chiquita Brands is one of the few to take substantial action. Chiquita announced today that it had toppled the Guatemalan republic by force and handed the reigns to followers of Jacobo Árbenz, whom the company formerly known as United Fruit had ousted in the 1954 Guatemalan coup d’état.
“There are some aspects of our history that we are not proud of,” said a spokesperson for Chiquita, which has produced bananas for over 120 years, “but we are sparing no expense, and no lives, to make right our missteps and support the lawful Árbenz regime and its agrarian reforms.” The U.S. military reports that the Guatemalan capital was captured by the Chiquita paramilitary forces in the early hours of Tuesday morning, although they deny any direct involvement. “We could not wait for the Trump administration to act in the name of justice,” the spokesperson confirmed, “and Chiquita is fully committed to the elimination of the feudal property structure which has inordinately disadvantaged natives and Ladinos.”
Investors are hailing the violent revolution as a positive step in promoting diversity and inclusion in the workplace, but some Guatemalans still do not understand why they are being slaughtered for a second time to serve American corporate interests. “Chiquita still owes our country a huge debt,” admits Alejandro Giammattei, the recently deposed Guatemalan president, “but maybe they could have just made their board 40% Mayan or something, without plunging us into another four decades of brutal civil war.”