CHARLOTTE, N.C. — To show support for America’s troops, the supermarket chain Food Lion is offering an extra 10% discount to U.S. military veterans and their families, and, to show their on-going disapproval of international terrorism, is actually demanding that verified members of the Taliban pay 10% more.
“Some companies may think that simply helping our vets is enough,” says Deke Shanahan, Food Lion Vice President for Dairy, Tobacco and Public Relations, “but do not have specific policies to discourage enemies of the state from shopping alongside them. We at Food Lion want our loyal customers to know we stand firmly against the Taliban and most other militaries and paramilitaries that engage in warfare against our countrymen.”
Mr. Shanahan insisted that all locations would institute a 100% ID check; any card-carrying member of the Taliban would have the surcharge applied immediately at checkout and “would not be treated with the utmost respect.” Shanahan added that he was not worried about fraud or non-disclosure because “it’s against the Geneva Convention to lie about combatant status for cheaper groceries,” a claim Boredroom News has been unable to confirm.
Although Food Lion’s policies are effective immediately, the chain also announced that American veterans will receive a free rotisserie chicken (valued at $5.99) every Veterans’ Day as a special gesture of appreciation, and that all customers loyal to the Taliban are banned entirely on 9/11.