UPPER EAST SIDE – As the city slowly lurches back to life throughout the coronavirus pandemic, the unique challenges of reopening schools call for more classroom space, and many more teachers and support staff, to safely bring students back. This week Schools Chancellor Richard Carranza announced a strategic partnership with Biscuits & Bath, the local canine daycare chain, to provide auxiliary school rooms for elementary students throughout the city, as well as supervision for children during recess and most grooming services.
“Providing a safe space to learn is our top priority,” Carranza emphasized, “and we think kids coming home with a fresh haircut and a stomach full of chicken and liver lunches would really help out New York City’s parents this fall.” According to the Department of Education’s plans, Biscuits & Bath will allow up to a dozen children at a time roam freely in open rooms under the watchful eyes of trained veterinarians for twelve hours each day. The chain of formerly caninine-only locations throughout the city does not expect attendance rates to increase until dog-owning professionals return to the office.
“Our facilities are specifically designed to be hosed down thoroughly every afternoon,” says Biscuits & Bath spokeswoman Kate Fellows, “and with Broadway shut down, we have ample numbers of part-time dog walkers that can also mop up kid’s piss as well.”
“However, Biscuits & Bath will not express any student’s anal glands unless parents specifically request it.”