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Costco Refuses to Let Man Return Panic-Bought Toilet Paper Used

EDEN PRARIE, MN — A local man attempted to return nearly two hundred rolls of toilet paper purchased at the onset of the coronavirus pandemic but was asked to leave when Costco (COST) personnel found that the product had not only already been opened, but had been soiled extensively. Known for their generous returns policy, bulk sizes of household goods, and grease-laden pizzas and chicken bakes, the warehouse in the Minneapolis suburb was plagued by selfish consumers over-buying toilet paper at the fearing new stay-at-home orders.

Dennis Palaniuk had been one such hoarder, but once his furlough as a school cafeteria worker became permanent, he thought that he could recuperate his lost income by returning toilet paper packages that had been clearly opened and emitted an odor that bystanders described as “the port-a-potty on the fifth day of the Chili Con Carnival.”

“I think I did a good enough job cleaning it up,” claimed Mr. Palaniuk, who disputes Costco employees description of the smell, and says that he dutifully “re-rolled the less-shittier plyes” on the original cardboard spools as well as errant household objects.

Nevertheless, Costco Shift Manager Dave Ginny would not budge. “I’m not going on record to say that our Zero Tolerance for Feces policy is always strictly enforced, but this is an especially egregious case. Mr. Palaniuk should have been distinctly aware of our standards for returns however, since he’s been trying to return shit-covered toilet paper for years.”

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