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Redskins Rebrand as the Washington Federal Agents after Sponsors Call for Change

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Football League franchise formally known as the Redskins unveiled their new name and mascot this week after many notable sponsors decried the former name’s racist overtones. Now officially the Washington Federal Agents, CEO Dan Snyder said he personally worked with his marketing team and members of the D.C. community to find “the embodiment of the warrior ethos in the modern age.”

“The Federal Agents will honor America’s foremost defenders of state property,” said Snyder, “and we hope that our new mascot, a large man in full tactical gear whom we named ‘Nameless’, will motivate fans, and our beloved sponsors, to tune in.”

“FedEx is proud to support the Feds,” said Bill Evers, a spokesperson for the franchise’s largest partner, “No one can complain even about this one because we don’t know their ethnicity, their names, or even which agency they work for.”

With all the racial tension racial tension in the country, Evers continued, it is important for the Federal Agents to bring the people the city together and “sack the other team’s quarterback like he resisted arrest,” and that FedEX Field will happily serve as home to the team and “any other players they wish to detain indefinitely.”

Although modeled off the Department of Homeland Security thugs in Portland, Snyder assures fans that the Feds are an inclusive organization and ‘Nameless’ represents all jackbooted agents of the State, from the “kid-cagers at Border Patrol to the president’s personal Secret Service fluffer.”

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