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Posts published by “Jack”

Founding Member, President Trump's Strategy and Policy Forum

Trump Reverses on Virus after Campaign Staffer Orders Too Many MAGA Masks

Washington, D.C. – Months of fumbled pandemic responses from the White House have left the country in dire straits, but this morning President Trump issued an official mandate requiring face covering to be worn at all time after he had learned that a junior merchandising volunteer had ordered nearly two million masks emblazoned with “Make America Great Again.”… Read more

Professional Dog Fighting Association To Start Season without Players Consent

ATLANTA, GA — The commissioner of the Professional Dog Fighting Association (PDFA) announced Monday afternoon that the truncated season will start in July, albeit without the consent of the fighting dogs themselves. “The owners understand that many dogs do not feel comfortable mauling each other to death for our amusement,” explained Commissioner Ron Dogford, as he nervously eyed the growling German Shepherds in attendance, “but the reality is that they’re bred to kill and we won’t make any money if they don’t.”… Read more

Ingalls Shipbuilding Cancels NYPD Contract for Guided Missile Cruiser

PASCAGOULA, MI — Huntington Ingalls Industries (HII) announced Wednesday morning that it would be voiding a recent contract with the New York City Police Department to build a Ticonderoga-class guided missile cruiser, citing ethical concerns with the response to the George Floyd protests. The pre-commissioned NYSS Cuomo (named after the elder governor) was intended exclusively for crowd control purposes, according to a spokesman for the NYPD, and “only non-lethal rubber bomblets were to be used in the warheads of all 122 Tomahawk Land Attack Missiles on board.”… Read more

Unearthed Ruins of Ancient Sbarro Changes Timeline of Pizzafication of Europe

MARSEILLE, France — New discoveries in the Provence may have anthropologists rethinking the history of the region as well as humans’ relationship with the culinary arts. Archeologists last month confirmed artifacts from a dig site south of Saint-Rémy belong to the earliest known Sbarro fast-casual restaurant and date to the beginning of the fourth century B.C.,… Read more

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