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Posts published by “Janet”

From Accounting

Disney World Builds ‘ICU Land’ to Treat COVID Patients without Leaving Park

ORLANDO, FL — Facing an outbreak in Florida of over 10,000 new coronavirus cases daily, Disney World has responded by unveiling their latest addition to the Magic Kingdom, a sprawling medical complex dubbed ‘ICU Land’ where ill or exposed park-goers can see Nurse Minnie as they wait for rides. “We value our patrons’ safety,” said Sharon Pewter, a Disney vice president for park sanitation and animatronics, “almost as much as our shareholders.… Read more

Firework Sales Boom as Raytheon Enters Direct-to-Consumer Market

FLATBUSH, NY — As the pandemic continues to wreak havoc on supply chains worldwide, some industries, such as the urban fireworks market, are thriving due to major supply chain innovations by international munitions dealers such as Raytheon, who has confirmed that the company launched their new direct-to-consumer (DTC) platform in urban areas across the country earlier this month.… Read more

McDonald’s Employee Accused of Shitting in McFlurries Has 19 Prior Complaints of Shitting in McFlurries

TEMPE, AZ — An employee caught on camera violently defecating into the ice cream machine at the McDonald’s on University Drive had over a dozen prior misconduct complaints for the same activity, according the employee’s shift supervisor. “We knew Derek had been pooping in the chocolate soft-serve for months, actually,” admits Assistant Manager Shannon Lin of 14-year McDonald’s veteran food handler, Derek Chavez, whose reign of frozen fecal terror has been common knowledge throughout the Tempe community.… Read more

New York Times Returns to Original Mission of Reminding New Yorkers What Time It Is

MIDTOWN, MANHATTAN — Following the publication of an op-ed by alleged Tom Cotton, an alleged war criminal and sitting U.S. senator, that called for a military coup against American cities, the famed Gray Lady has “returned to our roots of dutifully announcing the current time in New York City, without commentary or incendiary attacks on democracy,” according to Arthur Sulzberger.… Read more

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