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Posts published in “General”

Trump Reverses on Virus after Campaign Staffer Orders Too Many MAGA Masks

Washington, D.C. – Months of fumbled pandemic responses from the White House have left the country in dire straits, but this morning President Trump issued an official mandate requiring face covering to be worn at all time after he had learned that a junior merchandising volunteer had ordered nearly two million masks emblazoned with “Make America Great Again.”… Read more

Firework Sales Boom as Raytheon Enters Direct-to-Consumer Market

FLATBUSH, NY — As the pandemic continues to wreak havoc on supply chains worldwide, some industries, such as the urban fireworks market, are thriving due to major supply chain innovations by international munitions dealers such as Raytheon, who has confirmed that the company launched their new direct-to-consumer (DTC) platform in urban areas across the country earlier this month.… Read more

Quaker Oats to Change Name, Says William Penn ‘Does Not Represent Our Commitment to Crass Materialism’

CHICAGO — The Quaker Oats Company, has announced plans to retire their century-old mascot amid backlash over the character’s history, acknowledging that “the Quaker principles of simplicity and integrity are incompatible with our corporate mission to embrace the extremes of Capitalism.”

Critics of the company, a subsidiary of PepsiCo, says that the move is in the right direction, but some activist investors claim that Quaker Oats knew the image of William Penn “promoted outdated values,” such as stewardship in the community and devotion to integrity in all aspects of life, for years without taking action.… Read more

U.S. Navy to be Called Up for Sweepers, Securing Gear Adrift, after Riots

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a week of intense riots after the murder of George Floyd at the hands of the Minneapolis Police, the Secretary of Defense confirmed that active duty Navy personnel would be deployed to domestic cities, “to do what American Sailors know best: Sweepers.” The extraordinary move activate the military was decided on Monday night as President Trump cowered underground, demanding an elite military effort to solve civil unrest.… Read more

Equinox: “For $200 a Month, You Can Tag Us in Videos of You Doing Squats in the Park”

HUDSON YARDS, Manhattan — The boutique gym chain has announced plans to reopen while taking steps to maintain proper hygiene, such as scheduling all visits in advance, switching to single-use barbells, and relying heavily on their digital and social presence to keep their quarantined customers engaged. “Without sacrificing the prestige of paying exorbitant membership fees, all of our fitness clients can safely exercise outside in one of the many fine parks not overrun by the homeless,” explains Exquinox’s Chief Digital Officer Don Dominguez.… Read more

MBAs Moved Online Won’t Relax Cocaine Quota to Graduate

WHITE PLAINS, NY — Many students knew their last semester at business school would pose unique challenges, but maintaining a steady high from their childhood bedrooms was never part of the plan. As programs shutter due to the pandemic, administrators are “committed to providing the standard of education that has been fueled by high quality party drugs for decades,” says Zelon Crawford, Dean of Students and Intoxicants at Columbia Business School, and many graduating MBAs, and their dealers, are scrambling to keep up.… Read more

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